Dealing with an Angry Teen

Dealing with an Angry Teen

My wise father tells me that the purpose of parenting is to teach us meekness or humility. There is nothing like dealing with an angry teen to teach us just how little control we have in the universe. But parents who hang on tight with love and care often end up having more influence than they would have believed possible at the time.

Some angry teens seem to walk around assuming that their parents are in a fight with them. The kid then feels justified in fighting back because Mom or Dad “started it.” Unaware that, in fact, he or she started it by being so eccentric and uncompromising, these teens are always upset with the people around them. And they are always upsetting to parents who desperately want to have friendly relationships with the adolescents they love. These kinds of kids are angry, hostile, and generally unwilling to participate in the session. The parents are confused, hurt, and angry. The kids see their parents’ hurt as manipulative and their anger as pressure. The parents see the teen’s hostility as unfair and their demands as unreasonable. Pleasant time together has become very rare. Conversations are often punctuated by threats from both sides. The kids threaten to leave. The parents threaten to kick the kids out. Both are just plain scared.

There are few things as hard to withstand as hostility from one’s own child. It hurts. But when adults manage to stay adult even when under attack, they often end up with more influence than they thought they had. By preserving the relationship, even while under fire, these parents both model maturity and make room for the child to mature eventually.

The difference between the families that make it and those that don’t is parental tenacity. Parents who hang in, who continue to express love and concern, who continue to insist on knowing where their kids are going and with whom, who include their teens in family events, and who stubbornly refuse to give up are the parents who generally manage to save their kids.

Without a sense of humor, ‘rents are really sunk. As one exhausted mom told me, “I’ve decided to take the position that it’s all quite boring. Every weekend, my son goes somewhere he shouldn’t with someone he shouldn’t and does something he shouldn’t. It’s all boringly predictable.” This Mom hadn’t given up. She had discovered that putting a sardonic twist on the situation allowed her to take a step back. She was then able to look at the larger picture instead of getting caught up in the misbehavior of the week.

Sullen and hostile moods often are covers for fear. Let’s face it: it’s scary out there! It’s hard enough to negotiate the world as adults. Many kids find it just plain overwhelming. Rather than show their vulnerability, they posture to themselves and each other. Talking and acting like a surly big shot is a great cover, when a person feels small, ineffectual, and scared.

It’s not all that uncommon for a kid to realize that he or she has gone too far. In those moments, it’s very important to give the kid a way to back down gracefully. Scolding, punishing, or lecturing will only make the teen defensive. When cornered, teen pride demands a hostile response. Instead, give the kid a back door. Try that sense of humor. See if some gentle kidding like “Who are you and where did you put my son?” alters the situation.
Angry teens sometimes do have things to be angry about. But equally often, their anger seems totally out of proportion to their lot in life. If you have treated your child with love and respect all along and that child is still hostile, it may have very little to do with you or with how that child was raised. There are more influences on a child’s life than his or her parents. Parents who resolutely stay involved and responsible but who don’t takes each and every misbehavior as a personal attack are usually more effective than those who take all comments and actions to heart. On the other hand, if you do have things to apologize for, do it. It’s never too late to start over. Kids really do want parents, but they want parents they can trust. An honest apology and genuine efforts to make the family a better place to be can set the family in a new direction. It will take time. The kids won’t believe you at first and may even test you. But if you stick to it, most kids will come around.